A Journey of Authenticity and The Positive Impact on Children
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about my own authenticity. As a parent, I had gotten on this merry-go-round ride of “what is right?” and I was constantly trying to seek out the right answer so that I could make the “right decision.” Then around and around I’d go with this process everyday about every parenting decision I thought was significant. Boy, is that process exhausting! It fueled my self-doubt, and it was not very fulfilling because usually there is no one right answer.
I discovered authenticity is about being who you are and not who you think you should be. It is about making choices that align with your values and beliefs versus making choices that you think will help you fit in. I think Renowned Author and TedTalk Speaker Brené Brown sums it up best, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are suppose to be and embrace who we are.” (Brené Brown TedTalk)
So instead of seeking all my answers for everything outside of myself, I started to explore what felt authentically right for me and my children in that moment: Staying present (Mindful Parenting). Now does not mean I wouldn’t seek information? Of course, if I don’t know something, I look that up. But when it comes to making the actual choice, I trust myself to be the one to make it versus constantly needing to refer to some “expert” in the field. Wow, does it free up a lot of time! Plus I have become a more confident parent.
With that being said, being authentic is also about embracing imperfections and mistakes yet knowing you can get up and try again and still accomplish your tasks. To me, this is what authenticity means. But of course I am not just a solo person. I am a parent whose authentic choices started to help me recognize a lot about myself and my kids too.
What I first noticed was how I shifted my dialogue with my kids. When I wasn’t being as authentic with myself, I often made comments like: “You always do that,” “That is just who you are,” “I’ll believe it when I see it,” “You never…,” and “You are just like your dad.” On the surface these aren’t “bad” comments, but they do not support authenticity. Why? Because a child needs space to figure out what they value and believe, and what actions align with those values and beliefs.
To do that, children need to know that there is room for growth and change. This is the same thing as a fixed mindset versus a growth mindset (learn more about fixed versus growth mindset here.). When you choose to use the words “never” or “always,” that is “fixed,” but if you say “not right now” or “not yet” that leaves room for change and “growth.”
As I became more authentic and confident in myself, I was able to create a more growth-mindset dialogue with my children. I began saying things like, “What could you have done instead?”, “What did you want to happen?”, “You didn’t do it this time”, and “You can try again next time.” This was a game changer in how my children behaved and responded to me. They were more receptive to trying new things, less frustrated with their mistakes, and less defensive when we talked. I not only felt like I was more authentic, but I felt like I was learning about who my children actually were and their own authenticity. Mind blowing!
Here are five more tips to help you and your children develop authenticity and a deeper connection:
State your emotions. It is no secret children trigger huge emotions in their parents like fear, frustration, anger, and disappointment. Parents then react to their emotion—not their children. In order to connect more authentically with yourself and your children, state how you’re feeling and don’t do anything else. Just be there with them and your feelings. Read our blog The Best Tips on Improving Communication With Your Child.
Hold your judgement. Before you judge your child or the situation, pause (take a few deep breaths), and ask just one question from a place of curiosity. Questions like “What were you thinking when…?”, “How exactly did this happen?”, “What were you hoping to accomplish?”
Acknowledge and validate your child’s perspective. Children are not mini-me’s. They are their own person even from a young age. So listen to (without interruption) and acknowledge their perspective on the situation. You do not have to agree with it, and it doesn’t mean they won’t have consequences. But sometimes children just want to be heard and seen for who they are including their values and beliefs.
Let them make a mistake. As a parent, your children’s behavior, including their mistakes, is often seen as a reflection of your parenting. Therefore, parents often intervene to prevent some of those mistakes. But if your child is not in any danger, let them make the mistake. This will help them trust themselves, learn problem-solving skills, and become more resilient. You, the parent, will learn to embrace your fears and insecurities. Without mistakes, authenticity cannot grow.
Embrace the unknown. Your child may not be like you thought they would be. Your child may enjoy doing certain activities or have strengths or weakness you simply do not understand. The more you embrace that which you do not know or understand, the more you get comfortable being uncomfortable, and the easier it is to be authentic and parent at the same time.
I have learned that parenting can be a great opportunity to develop authenticity within myself. The icing on the cake is in return it then supported my children’s authenticity. How beautiful and amazing is it that my inner journey brightened theirs—it did not take away. I often hear parents proclaim they don’t have time for self-care and self-growth because of their parenting responsibilities. But do you really need to separate the two? From my experience here, the answer for me is a resounding no. What about you?
Resources
Books
The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage into Mastery by Brianna Wiest
Bestselling author Brianna Wiest describes how we allow destructive patterns and self-sabotage to block our path to success and our authentic selves. She explores what we can learn and how that the path leads us inward. Brianna Wiest’s writing is felt by many to be highly inspirational.
Authentic: How To Be Yourself and Why It Matters by Stephen Joseph
Stephen Joseph is a pioneer in the research of authenticity, and his current tests are considered the gold-standard. In his book, Stephen Joseph uses philosophy, research and case studies to create a picture of authenticity. He not only explores authenticity, but how it relates to true happiness.
Authentic Happiness by Martin E.P. Seligman
Martin Seligman is an author and a professor at the University of Pennsylvania’s Psychology Department. His book helped create awareness of the new area of study called Positive Psychology. In his book, Seligman explores how using your strengths is what helps you develop a happier life. The book offers practical exercises to help readers put the theory into practice in their own lives.
TedTalks
The Art of Being Yourself by Caroline McHugh
Caroline McHugh shares that she believes that social reformation always starts within yourself. For a living she helps people discover themselves. And in her 26-minute talk she shares some of your insight to the art of being yourself. She explains in more detail how awareness of strengths and weaknesses and your own acceptance are keys to unlocking your true self.
How to Discover You Authentic Self at Any Age by Bevy Smith
In this 15- minute talk, Bevy Smith with humor and fashion talks about her path and shares her life lessons. She explores so honestly that the external journey and accomplishments are not to overshadow the rewards of your inner journey.
The Power of Believing You Can Improve by Carol Dweck
Carol Dweck a growth-mindset researcher who explores the idea that we can change our brains. In just 10-minutes Carol explains the concepts of how our brains learn and develop through research with children. She also discusses the idea that no problem is too hard to solve - you just may have not solved it “yet”.