The Best Tips on Improving Communication With Your Child

Talking and communicating are not the same thing. You can communicate without talking.  You can talk without communicating if your words are not able to convey the message you want someone to receive. This is important because there is a level of skill that goes into being able to communicate the messages you want your child to receive from you. When that doesn’t happen, it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and even a lack of understanding for both you and your child. How much does an inability to communicate contribute to arguments between you and your children?  

Here are examples of miscommunications:  

1. How many times have you said, “I am not angry,” but your body and tone of voice let your child know that you are feeling angry—or at least frustrated?  

2. How many times has your child said, “I didn’t know that was what you meant!” 

3. How about you or your child saying, “I don’t understand!” Your child could say this about a rule you are asking them to follow. Or maybe you are saying it to them because you don’t understand why they acted a certain way.  

Some self-reflection is the first step: 

1. What beliefs or thoughts do I have about this situation?  

2. What am I feeling right now? 

3. What message do I want to convey to my child?  

These are simple questions, but sometimes coming up with a clear answer can feel challenging—and time-consuming. Why? As you reflect on your own motives behind your behavior and feelings as a parent, you may find that it can lead to more discomfort for you.  It is natural to want to lead conversations with your children away from your uncomfortable feelings; to talk in a way that only supports your perspective; and to want decisions to be made so that you stay in control.  

But once you gain more awareness about yourself, you can better align your actions as a  parent with your intentions. Well, what does that mean? Let’s use an example: Whenever Bob’s ten-year-old daughter started whining about getting a new toy, he would instantly yell and make her feel guilty for wanting more stuff. He reacted. Afterward, he always felt guilty.  So he started thinking about why her behavior made him feel so upset. Once he realized his reaction was based on the fact that his dad did the same thing to him as a child, Bob realized he wanted to approach the situation differently.

Bob decided his intentions are to understand his daughter’s perspective and help her navigate her emotions, especially in moments when she can't get a new toy. He then was able to respond to her by asking her why she wanted that particular toy and suggesting she create a Christmas wish list or save her allowance to get the toys that are most important to her. His reflection on himself made him realize he was reacting out of his past experiences versus responding from a place of intention as a parent. 

Practical ways to improve your communication skills include: 

1. Pause and take 10 deep breaths to observe your mental and emotional state before resuming the conversation. 

2. Listen to your voice to gauge your own emotional state. (Loud vs. quiet, high-pitched  vs. low-pitched, fast vs. slow) 

3. Feel your body to get an idea of your emotions. Where do you feel tight? How are breathing? Fast? Slow? What are your hands doing? Clenched into fists? On your hips? 

4. Observe your posture in front of the mirror. How do you look when you pretend to be angry, stressed, tired, or happy?  

5. Ask yourself what your intentions are for the conversation. To hear your child? To vent your emotions? To compromise?  

6. Communicate at your child’s level both physically and with the language used. Kneel to their level or sit facing each other. Use words they will understand. 

7. Create healthy boundaries with what you’re willing to openly debate or discuss with your child. You can acknowledge your child’s emotions and perspective but still say,  “We are not debating this rule right now.” 

8. Be aware of the dialogue. Pay attention to the stories being told. They often start with  “I did this because…” or “I felt this because….” What stories are you or your children making with the dialogue?

9. Question the story or dialogue. This helps open the story to other “endings” or possibilities. Sometimes you and your child can get stuck in seeing something only one way. Is there another way to see the situation? 

10. Keep it positive when you can. In parenting, it is easy to get caught making negative comments and using negative words like don’t, can’t, won’t, and never. Changing a  comment from negative to positive is simply a play on words. For example, a negative comment would be, “Don’t run by the pool. You’ll slip and fall!” But you could say it using more positive language: “Walk around the pool. It will keep you safe.”  

11. Create space in your day or week to have a regular conversation with your children to talk about anything. The goal is to enjoy each other’s company. You can tell stories,  share jokes, or explain how you did something. If you find starting a conversation is difficult, conversation cards like these can help facilitate these conversations. 

12. Lastly, eye contact. If you really want to stay present and see someone, make eye contact while you’re having a conversation. Sometimes you don’t even need to talk.  Eye contact can be that powerful. Sometimes your words get in the way from what you or your child really needs, which is someone to just see you and be with you in that moment. 

When you better understand yourself, communication in the areas mentioned above can improve naturally. However, be patient with yourself and your child. Each day focus on one thing to improve. This isn’t a race or a competition. You are enough. You’re learning just like your child. Keep this in mind while you navigate conversations with your child.