Practical Advice For The Parenting Partnership
When you are raising children with a partner or spouse, it requires a tremendous amount of communication and cooperation. When parents can communicate and work together, the responsibilities of parenting are more manageable and set a good example of teamwork and cooperation for children. Sometimes there’s a gap between expectations of what parenting is supposed to be and the reality. Realistically parenting with your partner can create situations where there is conflict and feelings of frustration and resentment. Therefore, parenting has the potential to both tear a relationship apart and create a deeper connection. So, how do you create a healthy parenting partnership?
First, acknowledge that you both want the best for your children, even if you and your partner go about it in different ways. You also both likely want parenting to bring you closer together, making you stronger as a couple. Parenting disagreements don’t have to tear you apart. Remind yourselves that you are on the same team. This might be challenging but can make a world of difference.
Steps to Take When You and Your Partner are at Odds
If emotions are high, step away for a 30-second break or 10 deep breaths.
Say to each other, “We are on the same team.”
Ask each other, “What is the disagreement?” Each of you answer in your own words.
Listen to each other versus focusing on what you will say next.
Repeat what the other person said in your own words back to them so that they know you heard them or can correct any misunderstandings straight away.
What do you both want to accomplish in the situation?
Are either one of you open to compromising? On what?
What are a few solutions? Can you agree on one of them?
If you cannot agree, and a decision does not need to be made right away, agree to disagree and revisit the situation within 24 hours.
If this is a recurring argument, agree to discuss your perspectives when you are not upset to better see eye to eye.
When you are working through this process, be realistic on time. Solutions do not always present themselves in a couple of minutes. A disagreement may take thirty minutes or multiple conversations to work through, especially if you are new to this process. Having a healthy parenting relationship takes time, energy, and effort. Just because something is difficult, or someone has a different perspective than yours, does not mean anything is inherently wrong with the relationship. Challenging situations are where you grow, learn, and create more intimate relationships with your partners.
Also, be aware that sometimes the barrier to an agreement is your own ego wanting to be right. If your intention is to have a healthy parenting partnership and work as a team, being right should take a backseat. Why? Because this rigidity and competitiveness do not support healthy teamwork, and it may compromise your ability to make the best decisions for your children. Furthermore, sometimes when you are stuck in the thought of “I am right, and you are wrong,” it can be because you are covering up areas of insecurities. What is making you feel insecure to the point of not wanting to let go of a view or let go of control? Food for thought when you and your partner are at odds on parenting topics.
More Tips and Actions to Strengthen Your Parenting Relationship
You and your partner sit down and talk about your childhoods.
This can bring some much-needed perspective to how you both view parenting and your children.
Make a list with your partner of parenting responsibilities that create the greatest conflict.
Then slowly work through them discussing possible solutions. For example, let one parent handle a particular responsibility instead of you both trying to do it, or create a compromise between your two different ways of doing a responsibility and you both adopt the new method.
No judgment.
Listen to your partner without judging or forming an opinion. This can be easier said then done. It helps if you stay focused on just hearing their perspective versus getting caught up in who is right or wrong.
Focus on making “I” statements versus “you” statements.
This helps prevent a conversation that feels more like a blame game. (For example, “I feel upset when I am always cooking meals. I would like it if more family members would cook when I can’t instead of eating out.” This tells your partner your feelings, how you see the situation, and what your expectations or needs are.)
Stay positive with each other.
It is easy to be critical and negative when you’re not agreeing. So when you are having those negative thoughts, make an effort to think of something you like about your partner.
Balance your time together.
You are not just parenting together. You also are still a couple who needs regular quality time together to stay happy and connected. Date nights, having conversations about things other than the kids, and occasional weekends away are important to maintaining a heathy relationship while parenting.
And always remember mistakes are okay. No one is perfect. Showing a little grace and compassion as you and your partner learn to parent together goes a long way.
Resources
Books
The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman
Renowned author Dr. Gary Chapman discusses in detail the five primary love languages people tend to use in their lives and relationships. They are words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. We all are unique in our love language needs. In knowing what your love, your partners and your children’s you can better communicate, meet your needs and meet the needs of those around you. Once you learn about the love languages feel free to take the online love language quiz.
Now What?: The Chapman Guide to Marriage After Children by Gary Chapman
Dr. Gary Chapman writes a short and practical book to help guide couples now that they are parents. Chapman covers topics like emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and finances. This book may be best if read and discussed together as a couple.
The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy by John M. Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman
As parents, the intimacy between partners can sometimes get lost. In this book John and Julie Gottman create clear steps to help couples stay intimate in their relationship. The Gottmans’ use research to support their methodology and yet they somehow keep it easy and practical for anyone to use.
The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids From Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce and Separation by Karen Bonnell and Kristin Little
Karen Bonnell does an excellent job of providing practical advice and steps during the often difficult situation of divorce, separation and co-parenting. The handbook is a wonderful resource in helping to make the transition more smooth for both the parents and the children.
TedTalks
Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships by Joanne Davila
Dr Joanne Davila is a researcher and professor at Stony Brook University. In this 15-minute TedTalk she discusses three evidence-based skills all healthy romantic relationships need to succeed. Dr. Davila goes into detail discussing insight, mutuality and emotional regulation and how they help support healthy relationships.
4 Habits of All Successful Relationships by Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings
Dr. Andrea and Jonathon Taylor-Cummings are the founders of Soul Academy. In this 16-minute talk they discuss 4 habits through their 20+ years of experience all healthy relationships seem to share in common. And the habits are skills every single person can develop and use to improve their own relationships. You can also read about these habits in their book called 4 Habits of All Successful Relationships that came out in 2021.
The Beautiful Hard Work of Co-Parenting by Joel Leon
Father and storyteller Joel Leon addresses co-parenting with humor and a light-heartedness that cuts through the heaviness of the topic. In this 9-minute talk he opens up about his own experiences, the emotional upheavals, the power of our words and the importance of seeing parenting as an opportunity and not just a responsibility.